Mick’s AfterDeath March Dinner
“Desert Sunrise Surprise”
..……… seems like days (and it may have been) since you left your car and headed off into the desert ……. it’s now 4 am and you still haven’t found your truck …….. now by this time only a couple of your five senses are still marginally operable, and they’re off monkeying with life support issues ...………….…………. Finally, at last, you locate your vehicle ………….… with the last feeble flicker of your dying flashlight, locate the box of food cans in your truck. Grab can of food. (or more commonly termed: “C.O.F.”).
With COF in hand, next fumble and locate the COF opening device. Experience has shown that only the most simplest type of these devices should be used at this point, as any multicomponent jawed/geared device may be well beyond the limit of any of your remaining dexterous ability. Next; operate said simple device with the most functional hand remaining. (In the past, a few simple hand drawings prepared ahead of time as visual aids have often proven invaluable.) Experience has also has dictated that if the COF eludes penetration efforts and remains unbreached after several flailing attempts ( or the coming of dawn ) that a collapse into the sleeping bag and surrendering consciousness may be your best and only option.
If COF is successfully breached, the next major obstacle will be the …“spoon”... Again, with the fumble in the dark and the obligatory banging head and elbows into sharp unyielding objects is the only known technique for locating this object. Practicing this will not help. Deal with it. Many prefer to combine this “fumbling for spoon” operation with the next inevitable “spilling ½ the COF contents into sleeping bag” operation. Yet many opt to delay this part and combine it with the “falling asleep in mid-spoon-lift” operation. Your choice.
The “spoon” has often presented the most formidable obstacles as it calls upon a certain amount of dexterity and concentration, which are mostly unavailable at this juncture. I should note here that I don’t personally recommend the “duct taping spoon to hand” technique as I have found this multiplies the chance of injury as well as adding a level of complexity that already may be beyond any realistic expectations.
With the eating task underway, the importance and criticality of maintaining the consciousness above a certain minimum threshold cannot be overstated. Careful thrusting of spoon into food substance should be followed with equal care and thrusting into the mouth orifice. Let me repeat that: …MOUTH orifice!…. If you find you have been employing any other body orifice - STOP! Apply first aid. Start again once the mouth orifice has been properly identified. This is a key and pivotal point to a mostly injury free dinner.
Also note: If you should somehow discover you have mistakenly included an “unsalted” variety of COF, you may want to toss in a salt tablet for flavoring.
Continue operating spoon. Chewing is optional ……. but recommended ……. if you remember.
Repeat spoon use until COF is empty ……... or until interest wanes …….. or sleep intervenes.
With the eating process completed, just drop all objects used in this procedure and let gravity “put your things away”. Do not attempt to put these things away in this deprived state of mind – this will only result in a lengthier “Easter egg hunt” the next day for said items.
For extra credit and to add to the culinary experience you may want to read the COF label and verify contents as edible. Some do consider a pre-read before consumption as a good precautionary measure (this would have averted my infamous “Sterno Dinner Disaster “ back in ’06).
At this point you may want to relax,.. take your pack off,.. or enjoy the sunrise, .. or eat some cold thermos coffee,.. before crawling off into the sleeping bag……… And off to dream sweet dreams of yet another edible COF awaiting you at breakfast tomorrow…..
Bon Appetite ……. or whatever……………..
©2010 J Keffer